Whirling
by alphastudio
Summary: And now he was pliant and boneless, slowly dripping off the surface of the bar in the lounge of the Normandy, and almost spilling out of his seat. This wasn't right. This wasn't Spectre Kaidan. He wasn't very spectral at all. Nothing about him was spectral. Time to get up and ... uggh... sit down again.


Cold metal pressed against his cheek, his glass just touching the tip of his nose. It was only meant to be one drink, something to keep him going, to give him a little more courage and confidence. His thoughts whirled slowly and sluggishly. No. Wait. How can thoughts whirl slowly? They can't. Whirling is a fast word... Slow... Whirling.. Is twirling? Or... Swirling. _Ss.. Whirling?_

Well.

Turns out, it took many more shots than one to slow his thoughts, but now that they'd all kicked in, working together like a platoon of stout, little soldiers filled with... This... Purple concoction he'd found in a few dusty and suspicious bottles of under the bar.

And now he was pliant and boneless, slowly dripping off the surface of the bar in the lounge of the Normandy, and almost spilling out of his seat. This wasn't right. This wasn't Spectre Kaidan. He wasn't very spectral at all. Nothing about him was spectral. Time to get up and ... uggh... sit down again.

But if Shepard came in and saw him like this, Kaidan would never live it down. He always felt so... Strange when he was drunk. His biotics were tingling all over his skin, buzzing from alcohol, but the muscles beneath that were weak, dormant. And his brain.. His brain twirled up the strangest things...

What are you... Kaidan?

What, indeed. Not a major or Spectre in this horrible, wonderful state. Perhaps a... friend to Shepard, but a lousy, pathetic one who whirls too hard and could never trust the one man who...

Oh this is too good! How many have you had?

... The one man who ever deserved it. And now Kaidan trusts Shepard like he's a part of himself, like his biotics, or his arms or legs... O-or his ribs. Yeah, Shepard was like his ribs... Kaidan's got ribs inside him, lots of them, too... Always there to protect his lungs and his... Insides... But what's the point? It's too late. Because trust is a two way street and the commander certainly doesn't trust Kaidan anymore. It hurts. Hurts like broken ribs. Everytime he found himself feeling guilty for his actions or regretting the past, his ribs would hurt, it'd start at his sternum and engulf his entire ribcage. But he deserved this. He brought this upon himself.. On Horizon, and with Udina... And...

Something was different about the stool next to him.

"... What?" his voice was husky, parched and confused. He'd taken his last glass of alcohol a little while ago but for some reason when he tried to speak, it sounded dry and forced, as though the words were being scraped from the lining of his throat. Kaidan cleared it before speaking again.

"James?"

"About time! Only took you an eon to notice me!" the lieutenant laughed, too loudly, slapping Kaidan on the back and jarring his entire body and jerking his poor ribs into the edge of the bar, as if they weren't already broken enough.

"Hey, fuck off!" Kaidan groaned, shimmying away from James with a nasty glare.

"Woah, easy there," James snickered as his lifted his huge palm off Kaidan's back, "So, got anymore?"

"Maybe." Kaidan narrowed his eyes as he pulled himself up from the bar. He had half a bottle left, hanging from his fingers loosely under the bar, between his legs. But he didn't really like James. He was big, confident and charismatic. Loyal and trustworthy, the perfect dog. Easy to like despite his dumb, brickhead appearance. And good friends with Shepard. It wasn't even fair, Kaidan had known Shepard for ages, far longer than James. They'd been through the thick and thin together. If anything, Kaidan should be Shepard's friend, not James. Shepard should be Kaidan's friend.

"... Seriously? Not gonna share? I can see that bottle you've got under there, Come on!" James coaxed, but it didn't work. If anything, it had the opposite effect.

"No, he's mine!" Kaidan snapped harshly, his mouth snarling viciously, possessively. The bridge of the lieutenant's nose creased slightly in confusion and offense at the drunkard's sudden anger.

"... Right..." James stood up, glaring down at Kaidan, "don't need to be such an ass about it, pendejo." but his lips quirked a little into a smirk that looked down right creepy with his frown.

And then he was gone again.

Kaidan sighed, relieved, and placed the bottle back on the table after pouring himself another. He kicked it back, savouring the relief it brought to his throat. Soon it'd kick in, and everything would be okay again.

He could feel it working, slowly pulling away the anger and possessiveness that James had roused inside him. Soon he'd be back to slowly swirling in his safe little haven. He dropped himself back onto the bar, relishing in the cool surface on his flushed face, and absently nudging the shot glass in front of his face forward with a slow smile on his face. Yes, being alone with his purple concoction was so relaxing, so much better. Quieter. Why doesn't this glass have purple in it?

"Kaidan, James told m- why are you nuzzling the bar..?"

Kaidan jerked up in his stool, flicking his head round to the door only to find that Shepard was standing right behind him. Oh god, watching him play with a shot glass with his nose.

"Shhhe..." the dizziness from getting up so quickly suddenly overcame Kaidan, delayed by alcohol, and his eyes rolled back slightly as the innards of his skull throbbed painfully. Everything was spinning.

A firm hand gripped him on the shoulder, steadying him, grounding him. Kaidan closed his eyes and took a deep breath.

"Jesus, Kaidan, slow down." Shepard frowned, And Kaidan turned away. He'd upset him again.

"'m fine, and trust me, I have slowed all my downs." Kaidan pushed Shepard away with a hand on his chest. The commander just stared at him, his face unreadable. Why did he look... Almost... Amused? No, it was… Nevermind. The frown was back.

"... Okay," He said after a while, as if he'd struggled to find an answer to Kaidan's statement, "Well, let's get you to bed before you pass out." he moved to grab Kaidan but he was slapped aside.

"No, I'm fine. I can— I can walk." Kaidan moved shakily to his feet, picking up the rest of the liquor as he did so. Shepard yanked it easily out of his hands.

"Without this."

"But I need it!" Kaidan made to grab it again but Shepard just lifted it high above his head, and he was too un-coordinated to properly take it back.

"What you need, is sleep." Shepard ushered him out the door slowly and towards Kaidan's sleeping quarters.

"Why d'you have to..." Kaidan paused slightly, to get his bearings on his surroundings and his balance, grabbing onto Shepard slightly to help him as they neared Kaidan's bed, "... Boss me around like a... Boss."

"Because I'm your 'boss'," Shepard poured Kaidan into his bed, "now sleep."

"I want you to..." Shepard began to pull of Kaidan's boots.

"Just sleep, Kaidan."

"No," Kaidan sat up and yanked his leg from Shepard's grip, "no, listen to me!" he glared and the other man gave him an exasperated look and nodded for him to speak.

"I want.. I need... You to trust me again." Shepard gave a great sigh.

"I do."

"You don't."

"I do."

"You _don't._" Kaidan repeated firmly, his hands clenching the sheets. Shepard sighed again.

"... Look, I want to... But I can't. Not yet. You..." Shepard fought to find the right words with a scrunched nose but ended up giving up, "Kaidan, you left me in Horizon because you couldn't trust me, you labelled me Cerberus dog even though you should have trusted me enough for that to not matter. And then... You pointed a gun at me. I can't just... It doesn't work that way. When you've lost someone's trust in you, you have to redeem yourself, and earn it back. You can't just ask and expect it to happen just like that."

"I _know_ that." Kaidan felt like a child, being lectured for being too naive, too hopeful. Like he was being told to grown up, be a man, and suffer.

"So do it. Earn it back, and I'll trust you again."

"But I don't know how to! I trust you so much, Shepard, I'll... You're everything now!" Shepard's eyes widened at that but Kaidan kept going, "the mission and the Normandy and the reapers and everything! Your mission. Is my mission." Kaidan reached forward and fisted his hand into Shepard's shirt. They fell into a silence that suffocated Kaidan, made him want to scream, to take back all his words, but it was the truth.

Shepard finally spoke again.

"... I'm sorry. Words just aren't enough."

And the silence continued. His hand dropped down into his lap. The truth wasn't enough. Kaidan didn't know what was wrong with him. He felt as though he was being closed into a tiny box, something was pressing on his throat, making his face sting in the strangest way at his sinuses. The truth wasn't good enough. No matter how many bullets he took for Shepard, it would never take back that moment where he'd almost put a bullet into his commander. And even if he stood by Shepard for the rest of his life, it would never take away the fact that Kaidan had left him and forced him to rely on others, for a long time. Kaidan didn't know anything else except battle, fighting, guns and war. What else was there that he could do, short of killing himself for him?

Shepard finally moved to leave the room, he stood at the doorway, and flicked the light off with a soft click.

Kaidan rolled onto his back. He might have been hyperventilating, might have been dying, he didn't know what to say to make it right except.. Too late.

The door shut slowly behind Shepard and Kaidan stared up at his ceiling.

"My chest hurts." he murmured quietly to his room, wishing he'd stop swirling. It came from his sternum and spread painfully. It didn't make sense. He lost whatever resided in there long ago. He hadn't noticed... and then it was gone.

"I think… my ribs are broken."


End file.
